We’ve all been taught at some point or another: Don’t judge others. There’s the popular cliche, ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover.’ But I also know we subconsciously place judgments on others to try to make sense of the complex world we live in. Consequently, negative stigmas are created. One of which is the negative stigma of the expat spouse.
The Dreaded ‘Expat Spouse’ Google Search
Since leaving a career I enjoyed and moving to join my spouse on his overseas work assignments, the one question that continually pops up in my head is, “Who am I now?” I get anxious about what I’m going to say if someone asks me, “What do you do?” I got to looking on the Internet to help me rediscover who I am.
Sadly, an online search didn’t help me much as it yielded some very discouraging and pessimistic thoughts. Thoughts that I don’t want to associate myself with. Some examples of what I found are:
- stressed and isolated,
- depressed and lonely,
- purposeless and spoiled, and
- the degrading Trailing Spouse Syndrome.
There are few positives online with regards to my new life as an expat spouse. They frequently conveyed a stigma as someone who is dependent. Someone who has no ambitions and sits around waiting for their spouse to get home from work. I felt like a fraud to my career-oriented, independent female allies back home. I felt like a traitor to the gender quality movement we’re working so hard for. The images portrayed online for expat spouses are clearly a contradiction of who I think I am.
Not All Sunshine and Sandy Beaches
For starters, you have to make the tough decision to completely start over. Likely, you’ll leave behind a career you’ve worked hard for in exchange for a foreign labour market where you might not be allowed to work in or where you might not happily fit into. Only 20% of expat spouses are working during their time abroad (Share the Love).
Finding a suitable and fulfilling job isn’t the only difficulty. This life involves getting comfortable with ambiguity because you don’t know where or when your next move is. You’ll constantly be trying to reinvent yourself both professionally and personally at each new place. You’ll struggle to adapt and integrate into new cultures while mustering the confidence to take the initiative in building new relationships. In addition, with every move you make, dynamics change and you’ll be looked to for support to keep the family unit’s foundation intact. It’s exhausting navigating the challenges while maintaining your sanity and not losing yourself in the process.
Benefits of An Expat Spouse
An expat spouse is misunderstood for a reason – because not a lot of people have lived it. People may not know you have to be strong-minded, brave, supportive, and resilient to not only survive but to thrive. Although the expat spouse life is tough and has a harsh stigma attached to it, it builds character, strength and makes you an exceptionally well-rounded person. You have the opportunity to learn a new language, travel the world and try new things. It’s also immensely humbling to experience other cultures and meet the different people around the world. Furthermore, you’ll gain more empathy, and learn a ton about yourself that you may never have known had you not been through these particular challenges.
So, don’t let the demoralizing articles online about the expat spouse life deter you from making the decision to support your partner and move abroad with them. Although it’s difficult and at times unglamorous, it could be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life.
Wikipedia’s Notable Examples of Expat Partners:
- Ruth Bader Ginsburg
- Julia Child
- Michelle Obama
- Alan Paul
- Hilary Clinton
- Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha
- P.K. Mahanandia
- Sarah Macdonald
- Brigid Keenan
Please share your experiences of being an expat spouse below. The truth is the more we share, the more we realize we’re not alone.
I have read a few good stuff here. Definitely worth bookmarking for revisiting. I surprise how much effort you put…
Oh my gosh, Anna! That is beautiful and even touches on some of the things things I remember, experienced and…
Hello! I simply wish to give a huge thumbs up for the good info you have got here on this…
Thank you, Courtney, for the kind words! We hope you’ll come to visit one day soon. We’d love to be…
Great photos and loved the descriptions of your meals, I felt like I had tasted every bite.
Thank you for the comment! We found that particular stat very eye-opening. And, we totally agree that expat spouses (or anyone struggling with living abroad) find a positive way to reinvent themselves both professionally and personally in their new home. It’s very encouraging to see other expat spouses (or former expat spouses) have successfully done that.
Hi, thanks for sharing my work! Yes only a minority of expat partners are working abroad but within my mastermind groups and coachings, I am meeting so many of them who are fulfilled anyway! It is all about making the best out of this experience for yourself. For some it is shifting the focus a bit, for others, it’s changing career paths. I am tremendously grateful for the experience of being the expat partner once as it has opened a world full of new opportunities for me.